Ranking the Terribad

41. Cybernetics Guardian
What is it?: In the far flung future of 1995, mankind discovers a magical cure-all element that works by binding robot parts to people or something. Unfortunately, it is also prone to causing accidents that insert the spirits of demonic creatures into people. They’re working on a patch for that.
What?!: The bad part of town is literally called Cancer. I’m certain this is solely so that the evil villain jerk can say, “That place is such a CANCER!!!!!”
Music: Not only did humans discover their magical doohickeys in 1995, but I’m pretty sure they also got their background music from 1995, as well. It’s like Axl Rose farted out an EP at a state fair porta potty and the producers decided to use that.

Where the fuck do I begin? This is a hilariously corny mashup of psuedoscience and mystic nonsense. I’m not sure which of the villains is funnier: The science dude with the awful hair who wants to control the main dude who is demonized, or the devil worshippers who have apparently been trying to channel this demonic fuck for centuries. Other things of note: The protagonist’s name is John Stalker. He is so pure of heart that he is able to control the demon through SHEER WILL by the end. There’s also a girl. Did I mention CANCER?!

42. Genocyber
What is it?: In Cyberpunk Anime Future, a scientist experiments with mental energy to create the ultimate biological weapon. Using two sisters, the scientist forms Genocyber, a deadly creature with unlimited destructive power. But can it be controlled?
What?!: See the photo above? Two people hunting down Genocyber see something, say “what the fuck” AND THEN transform into crazy cyborg killing machines. That first episode of Genocyber is definitely something.
The rest of the episodes?: Uh …

I’m not sure if Genocyber is the most ‘80s Anime thing I have seen for this project so far, but it is definitely up there. You know what you’re getting with that: cyberpunk, psychic powers, explosions, gore everywhere, transforming monsters, etc. Shit’s crazy. The first episode at least is fun for what it is. Albeit with incredibly uncomfortable moments like the attempted gang rape of two children. Probably could have done without seeing that. By the way, children? Genocyber fuckin’ HATES children. If you are a child in Genocyber, you will probably die in a horrible fashion at some point. It’s probably worst at the beginning of episode 2, where two kids are ripped apart by gunfire from a helicopter. Other than that, the second part of the OVA is pretty boring. I’d rather not talk about the third part. So, yeah, gang rape aside (which, really, is a PRETTY BIG ASIDE), if you gotta watch any of Genocyber, it’ll be the first episode. It has the best animation (including an awesome shot of one of the cyborg hunter folks getting ripped in two), the best violence, and the most interesting story (i.e. it’s actually capable of holding a person’s attention, even if it’s ultimately pretty dumb).

43. Legend of the Galactic Heroes: Golden Wings
What is it?: Legend of the Galactic Heroes is an immense story with themes of politics, warfare, institutional failure, protest, and guys with space axes chopping people up. Golden Wings focuses on the early lives of two of the main characters, Reinhard von Musel and Siegfried Kircheis. (With a healthy dose of implied BL, of course.) They have enormous chins.
What?!: If you told me Reinhard and Kircheis were in the 2002 iteration of Kanon, I mean, I’d have to think about it for a couple of seconds before declaring you incorrect.
Fake Yang: WHO IS THIS IMPOSTOR

I must note that at the time of this writing, I am 20 episodes in to Legend of the Galactic Heroes. So please, no spoilers or discussion on anything beyond that point. Anyway, this OVA. As a story, it’s not that bad, at least taken on its own. It’s the beginning of a character’s journey to the top of a corrupt government, hoping to fuck them over and get his sister back. It’s definitely silly, because Reinhard and Siegfried are so damn perfect and are rarely in danger, but there have been far worse stories told in anime. The main problem is that it’s connected to Legend of the Galactic Heroes, so it’s destined to pale in comparison to the series proper. There’s hints of what makes Legend of the Galactic Heroes what it is, but they remain simply hints. (Though there are quite a few more silly things in LoGH than one would expect.) Also, as the screenshot above shows, the production values are awful in this OVA. Put those chins away, boys! You’ll put an eye out! LoGH doesn’t look amazing, but it’s at least competent, which is far more than one could say about Golden Wings. But it is bloody! Therefore, clearly, it is entertaining. Also, it has space age Marilyn Manson.

(Yes, the art design of Yang in this OVA is from the LoGH manga. No need to tell me what an idiot I am by joking about it.)

44. OreImo Specials the Second
What is it?: Kyousuke has burned every bridge with every girl in his life … that is, every one except his sister, Kirino. He decides to take the plunge by taking her out on Christmas Eve and confessing to her. Will Kirino return Kyousuke’s feelings?
What?!: At one point, Kyousuke is called out during a concert and confessed to by a pop star. He, of course, rejects her.
The ending: lol

So, hey, this thing. At its best, I think OreImo is fun enough, but the obnoxious aspects of it are such that I quit after the first true route OVAs. I just didn’t enjoy watching it anymore; thus, I didn’t watch a single second of the subsequent season. But, of course, I got stuck watching this. To be honest, though, it’s a lot less outrageous than I expected (or maybe I just didn’t care enough to be outraged). The extent it goes to show Kyousuke’s devotion to Kirino is hilarious — he’s turning down girls left and right to have a chance of hooking up with ol’ imouto. How the OVA tries to have its cake and eat it, too, is probably the most egregious thing about it. The ending is so stupid and utterly gutless, but hey, it’s probably what Kyousuke deserves. What’s interesting to me is that the OVA tries really hard to fill the audience in on as much context as possible. There are of course parts where I was utterly confused (the part with Saori and her sister probably baffled me the most), but a bunch of backstory is crammed in where possible. It makes me wonder if the creators believed people would check this out solely out of curiosity about the ending. Or maybe that’s how the light novels are written. Who knows? Anyway, this isn’t as entertainingly terrible as I would have hoped for.

45. Sword for Truth
What is it?: A samurai slices and dices his way through hordes of minions to rescue a princess from a deadly ninja clan. There are also demons and other ninja clans.
What?!: I don’t know why you’re shouting; this isn’t that crazy, as far as terribad goes.
Opium: It leads to lesbian sex. Always.

Sword for Truth — opium-induced lesbian sex aside — is fairly tame as far as terribad anime goes. Sure, it’s violent, but not to an insane extent. The story’s not especially incoherent. It just goes in, does its thing and gets out. That’s probably part of why I don’t like Sword for Truth maybe as much as I should. It’s not nearly as good as the best samurai anime, but it also doesn’t quite have that same air of insanity going for it as the best of the best in terribad. It’s just there.

46. Doggy Poo
What is it?: The heartwarming tale of a freshly-produced pile of dog shit going through an existential crisis.
What?!: That pile of crap next to our hero is apparently a dirt pile, but I don’t buy it. Also, it looks like Grimace.
Birds: Fucking assholes, all of them.

I can’t be too hard on Doggy Poo, because 1) it’s clear this is a story for children, and 2) it’s at least trying to teach kids that everything and everyone has value, even if you’re a pile of dog shit. But come on. It’s a pile of dog shit. Sorry to crap all over the moral like that. (And of course the cute pile of dog shit is hired to put a lovely face on the whole thing, while the real dog shit out there cries itself to sleep at night because it can’t match that standard of beauty.) The English dub is kinda racist, too, though no doubt unintentionally so, which makes it all the funnier. MAYBE WE’RE ALL JUST DAAAAAAAAAAAWGY POOOOOOOOOOOOOO

47. Mutant Ninja Turtles: Superman Legend
What is it?: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles continue their never ending fight against moeblob Krang, who is accompanied by the comedy stylings of manzai trio Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady. As always, the turtles are aided by their fairy companion, Crys-Mu, who provides them with the mutastones, which transform the Ninja Turtles into super-powered fighting machines!
What?!: Shredder goes on vacation to “[his] hometown of Japan” at one point. And the Foot Clan vacations in Miami.
URUCHAI: URUCHAI URUCHAI

As you might gather, this TMNT anime tinkers slightly with the formula. The first episode is a tour de force of hilarity as the Turtles and their universe are anime’d up like fucking crazy, and new shit is unveiled at every corner that is sure to make Turtle fans react like, “WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!” The second episode . . . not so much. Despite Shredder returning to his roots, this episode is nowhere near as amusing or stupidly inventive. That first episode is oh so worth it, however, even if it will ruin your childhood.

48. Haru no Ashioto: The Movie
What is it?: Three girls attend a peaceful school. One day, however, the tranquility is shattered when a teacher pulls a coup d`état on campus and takes over the school with the help of much of the student body. The three girls, whose names are utterly unimportant, must battle their way to the top and end their teacher’s reign of terror.
What?!: The end pulls an anticlimactic twist that is almost on the level of California Crisis, but not quite.
Shonen powers:These girls have them, and they use them well.

Honestly, I didn’t think this was that bad. It’s quite silly, and the ending feels as if it should come with a photo of some dude shrugging with a stupid look on his face while the Price is Right horns play, but it’s fun enough for a one-off OVA about a silly school coup. I really wish this had been able to go further, though. Like, I could imagine this being unbelievably hilarious if it were stone-faced serious about a totally stupid subject. Actually, what am I talking about? Everything after the halfway point of Guilty Crown is basically what I want from this. Never mind!

49. Abashiri Ikka
What is it?: The Abashiri family is one of Japan’s most notorious gangs; however, they’re pulling one more job before hanging it up for good. Afterward, the Abashiri daughter, Kikunosuke, is sent to a boarding school so that she can grow up as a normal girl and not a gang member. Unfortunately, as is often wont to happen, the school is run by evil teachers who beat, rape and murder students.
What?!: Much like with Kawajiri, this is an OVA based off a Go Nagai work, so it’s one long “What?!” moment. Maybe the “What?!” is learning that it’s not QUITE as viciously, horrifically rapey as other Go Nagai stuff? (While still being rather rapey, mind.)
Abashiris: I like them better when they are robbing banks.

I’m running out of things to say about OVAs adapted from Go Nagai works. The history behind the original Abashiri Ikka manga is kind of interesting: Basically, Go Nagai created it in protest to the outcries against one of his first big successes, Harenchi Gakuen. So basically this is Go Nagai saying, “You guys want something really offensive? Well, here you go!” You can imagine how that went, content-wise. The beginning is actually kind of fun. It depicts the Abashiri family’s final bank heist; it’s appropriately loud and ridiculous, with each family member getting introduced killing a bunch of mooks with a crazy power. Then it slows down once the Abashiris become more normal and send Kikunosuke to the boarding school. I’m not sure how accurate the OVA’s plot is to the manga, but it’s full of students vs. faculty stuff I’ve seen tons of times before; I guess I wouldn’t be surprised to hear this manga originated a lot of that. Still, it’s quite dull until the big war at the end when suddenly it’s super violent — like way more violent than before. It’s kind of weird!

50. Title: Planzet
What is it?: In THE FUTURE, aliens come to Earth and beat the shit out of humanity. Years later, the army strings together a last-ditch plan to expel the invaders from the planet — and for this plan to work, the shield that has protected the planet must be dropped so that the giant laser they’re developing can strike.
What?!: Despite how the title looks, in story it’s actually Plan Zet, the code name for the “let’s blow up all these aliens with our laser” plan.
How would you describe the CG?: Like the characters from Shenmue were farted out of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.

I actually think most of Planzet is OK, if obviously rushed. Whether it’s through budgetary concerns or actual thought (or both!), I like that the team put together to save humanity is both small (three people and a commander) and lives in a dirty, dingy headquarters. It does a decent job of driving home just how shit the situation is for Earth. But there’s never really any reason to care about the characters much, and when humanity executes its plan, the pacing goes from “rushed” to “warp speed rushing.” It all concludes with a hilarious deus ex machina that I’m sure exactly zero people working on this project were happy with.

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