Ranking the Terribad

31. Cipher
What is it?: The story of an actor making a football movie and his twin brother, a musician who occasionally covers for him, told in the style of a music video/documentary.
What?!: By the way, it is a RIDICULOUSLY ’80s music video. Like, full-on, giant, poofy mullets having an orgy with skintight leopard print pants ’80s. Holy shit.
Acting: I still can’t decide whether awful actors were hired for the dub, or they’re genuinely at acting like people being interviewed.

Cipher is a strange, occasionally brilliant OVA, at least when it comes to presentation. It was presumably made to advertise the manga of the same name, and since such endeavors tend to fail at telling a story since there’s so little time to do so, Cipher doesn’t try that. Instead, it creates what must have been at the time a slick packaging of highlights and faux-interviews with the characters that leaps back and forth between what is now a super camp music video and a documentary. It’s actually a somewhat effective marketing tool. Cipher took me totally by surprise and had me gripped throughout. So why isn’t it ranked higher, then? Because the slick marketing doesn’t totally hide the fact that the story seems boring as fuck. I’m much more interested in the packaging than the package itself. And the voice acting teeters between “pompous talk show guest” and truly horrific . . . it’s a weird, weird dub. I think it’s worth experiencing once, though.

32. Hermes: Winds of Love
What is it?: Hermes is a boy destined to bring peace to ancient Greece by beating the shit out of King Minos. Along the way, Hermes woos a hottie in a tower, has a child, hangs with the gods, and goes to Hell. Also, all of Greece is Buddhist.
What?!: You heard me.
Happy Science: Countin’ those dollar bills.

From the makers of Rebirth of Buddha comes Hermes: Winds of Love — or, perhaps, it should be the other way around, since the latter was released first. Much like Buddha, Hermes is a god damn boring movie saved by bouts of insanity. After seeing Buddha, though, the craziness of Hermes just isn’t as satisfying. It doesn’t help that ancient Greek myth is god damn nuts in the first place. You can’t get any crazier than what the Greeks put out!

33. Cosprayers
What is it?: Koto Hoshino accidentally seals away the Sun Goddess Amaterasu — oops! — and thus is whisked away to an alternate world where virginal priestesses in skimpy outfits battle monsters to destroy the Black Towers that keep Amaterasu sealed.
What?!: They also do battle with a boy band.
Serious or parody?: I honestly still have no idea.

Cosprayers is what would happen if Mars of Destruction were expanded to a TV series, only if it were also written by a teenager and featured more moe girls. Sense and logic are foreign concepts to this series. Plots develop Just Because and Because Shocking Twists Are Needed. I think I knew what was happening maybe five minutes total the entire series. It’s so fucking dumb and cheap, but god damn it, I can’t hate anything this dumb. It would be much higher up on the list if every character weren’t so fucking annoying. Squeaky-voiced moe girls are my Kryptonite.

34. Biohunter
What is it?: People all over Japan are being affected by a virus that turns them into monsters. By day, two scientists, Komada and Koshigaya, seek the virus’ cure, and by night, they slay those who have no hope of regaining their humanity.
What?!: One of the scientists is himself infected with the virus and has to restrain himself around some hot young thang who accompanies the pair of scientists on their journey. I wonder if this is a metaphor for something?
Wingman: Koshigaya relentlessly ships Komada with said young lady, Murakami, although whether he is successful in hooking them up is something I shan’t reveal!

Biohunter was adapted to OVA form by Yoshiaki Kawajiri, which should tell you most of what you need to know about this. There are sexy times aplenty, loads of tentacles and enough violence to make anyone a happy camper. It’s not bad, either; pretty gross, but it keeps things simple enough to stay coherent, and even the English dub is OK. When it comes to this sort of thing, though, I want more incoherency, and I definitely want more outrageousness. The identity of the main killer the scientists track is nice enough, but not unheard of for this sort of thing. But of course, maybe it’s saying something about the power system of the time? Ha.

35. Crystal Triangle
What is it?: A poor man’s Indiana Jones finds a box with two crystal triangles. After doing some Science, he finds that the triangles hold the key to the lost message God included with the Ten Commandments. The Russians (despite being godless communists) and Americans are also keen to get their hands on this message and go after our intrepid hero with gusto.
What?!: God is an alien fetus.
By the way: That’s not Jerid from Zeta Gundam. He is a warrior voiced by Norio Wakamoto. Sadly, he is not the main character.

Crystal Triangle is what happens when your dad makes Raiders of the Lost Ark. It has all the parts, but none of the understanding of what makes Indy so cool and charming. But there is plenty of midlife crisis Indiana Jones exchanging “clever” lines with hot CIA agents and college-age chicks who are definitely not going to turn evil and definitely not get possessed by evil spirits at some point later in the movie. What a suggestion! There are some decent set pieces, though, and the revelation of God at the end is worth sitting through all this stuff. I laughed quite a bit!

36. X/1999
What is it?: Kamui Shirou is a whiny douchebag who unfortunately has powers that are key to saving the world . . . or destroying it! *DUN DUN DUN* He can join with either the Dragons of Heaven, who are dedicated to preserving the Earth, or the Dragons of Earth, who are dedicated to the destruction of all human life so that the planet can be purified. Unfortunately, Kamui’s friend, Fuma, is fated to be on the opposite side of this battle and kill 75 percent of the cast so that the movie can be 90 minutes long.
What?!: The creators fly by the seat of their pants so much that they had to invent a character to fill out the Dragons of Earth, because the last one had not been introduced in the manga when they made this movie. He is as inconsequential as one would expect.
Decapitations: X/1999 has some hilarious ones.

As I explain later in the Harmagedon entry, I like the director of this movie, Rintaro, for the most part. The key to liking Rintaro, I think, is to accept that he gives no fucks about telling a coherent story most of the time. He just wants to draw some cool fucking shit. I can dig that. X/1999 fits right in line with that approach: the story makes zero sense because there’s no time for it to make sense. It kills off the two best characters with the most gripping backstory and conflict in the manga in the first 10 minutes of the movie, likely to save itself the trouble of telling their story. They’re not even named during the battle, and if they are named during the movie, it’s likely during some throwaway conversation when nobody gives a shit anymore. They literally exist to have a cool-looking battle and die. That is pretty much Rintaro in a nutshell.

The main reason I don’t really consider this a good Rintaro movie is that the ratio of “cool looking shit” to “vapid, boring dialogue” is tilted too much to the latter. It’s all “OMG UNMEI” this and “I AM KAMUI AHHHHHHHHH” that. Yawn. More apocalypse, please.

37. Demon City Shinjuku
What is it?: Kyoya Izayoi’s father is killed by the psychic demon lord Rebi Ra, who proceeds to open a portal to hell in Shinjuku, because he’s kind of a dick like that. A decade later, Kyoya is asked by the daughter of the world president to cut up some demons and save the world. Kyoya isn’t totally down for this, but he ends up doing it, anyway.
What?!: This is a Kawajiri joint, so the whole movie is basically one big “What?!” moment. Everyone in the English dub has a completely different accent for some reason. Maybe that counts?
Tentacle ladies: Heroes are always fooled by them.

Demon City Shinjuku has many of the hallmarks of a typical Kawajiri outing: Good animation, demons out the ass, lots of violence, good mood setting, etc. But Shinjuku isn’t quite as enjoyable as, say, Biohunter, even though it is just as pulpy. Why is that? I think it’s because the characters just aren’t that appealing. In Biohunter the scientists feel like they’ve been friends for a long time. They have a good rapport going, and it’s interesting to see that play out while they’re blasting demons. There’s nothing nearly that fun in Shinjuku. The disgusting demons have to carry the movie, and while they do an admirable job, they can’t quite finish the job. I will say, however, that it is almost always entertaining to see someone take out a giant spider demon.

38. Lily C.A.T.
What is it?: In the year 2264, a corporation has sent a crew into space to explore a newfound planet. On the way, however, the crew discovers that two of the crew members are not who they were previously believed to be. Along with that, the crew members start dying in mysterious ways.
What?!: The cat (yes, there is actually a cat) is some kind of crazy robot that houses … well, maybe I’ll just leave that a secret.
Alien: What? Alien? I have no idea what you are talking about!

Yes, Lily C.A.T. is obviously … well, I’ll be kind and say it’s “heavily inspired” by Alien. It would certainly not be the only anime to take clear inspiration from that classic horror movie. When I watched Lily C.A.T., however, I couldn’t help but think of another anime OVA that appears (way) later on this list: Roots Search. Lily C.A.T. is basically Roots Search but actually somewhat enjoyable to watch. It looks decent, is paced competently, and there are actually things of interest going on. I didn’t think any one aspect (aside from the gore) is exceptional, but if someone told me they legit enjoyed this OVA, I wouldn’t be confused or anything, whereas if someone told me they legit enjoyed Roots Search I’d probably split their head open with an axe because that is CLEARLY a terrifying monster waiting to destroy humanity.

39. Psychic Wars
What is it?: A broad-shouldered, monotone-voiced surgeon gets psychic powers and must go to the past to stop an invasion of evil demons. Along the way he tags up with some hot stuff who is definitely not the woman who hopes to trigger the evil demon invasion, I mean I have no idea where you’d get a silly idea like that.
What?!: Psychic powers come from cancer.
What kid of cancer?: Old lady cancer.

Psychic Wars in a nutshell: The hero’s psychic powers make him glow and punch and kick stuff better. That is the amount of thought put into the action, the characters, the plot, and the animation. I think the hero is monotone because he’s matching the amount of energy the staff put into the production of this OVA. But if you want to watch Big, Hulking Surgeons Punch and Kick Stuff, then here’s your anime!

40. Tekken: The Motion Picture
What is it?: The evil Heihachi Mishima organizes a fighting tournament, as evil people in fighting games are wont to do. In this tournament are Heihachi’s son, Kazuya, who is out for revenge; Jun Kazama, an agent with Interpol; Hong Kong detective Lei Wulong; and more.
What?!: There’s also a giant cyborg and a boxing kangaroo. And dinosaurs.
Heihachi: Worst dad ever.

I was sort of looking forward to the Tekken movie, if only because the Tekken games have a reputation for very bizarre stories, even among fighting games (whose stories are normally utter nonsense). Unfortunately, it takes more than half the movie for anything interestingly weird to happen. Most of it is boring bullshit like Kazuya angsting over his shitty dad, or Lei doing some stupid investigation or a hilarious Native American character design or whatever. It wasn’t until the boxing kangaroo showed up that I started enjoying myself. Then there were cyborgs and dinosaurs and stuff, so it did get sort of awesome by the end.

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